Unlearning What You Saw: How Childhood Experiences Shaped Your View of Marriage (Part 1)

Childhood experiences—whether positive or negative—have a huge impact on how we perceive marriage and relationships. If you grew up in a loving, stable home, you might expect marriage to be safe and a supportive covenant. Instituted by God and to be enjoyed and delighted in. Which is really good and beautiful and how the Lord intended it to be. But if you are like me and you have witnessed unresolved conflict, physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, or dysfunction. We may carry fears, trust issues, or unrealistic expectations into our marriages.

Also, there may be habits or behaviors that were picked up from the brokenness and dysfunction that you experienced as a child that you recognize is quite the challenge to overcome. I grew up in a home where it was my momma who raised us (with the occasional help of some family members) which I am very grateful for. But my dad was not around until I was 8 years old or 9. And even then, he was in and out of my life. The absence of my father in those younger years left me questioning my worth and value as I grew up and entered adolescence. I developed the behavior of wanting attention from guys which led to bad habits of sexual immorality.

There were relationships that my mom had that weren't the best and had further given me a distorted view of men, love, and relationships. There was a point I believed that there were no good men out there. And that men were harsh, cruel, and unfaithful. I thought love was a broken experiment that you buy into only to be left more heartbroken and shattered. And there are many more things that I am still processing from my childhood. Even though it had given me a lens as to which I was seeing things the Lord has been faithful to help me walk through the experiences of my childhood and recognize that my experiences weren't the truth.

I say all of this to point out the importance of unlearning what you saw and allowing the Lord to take you through the process of breaking, healing, and rebuilding. If you continue to allow your childhood experiences of poor relationships to be the lens through which you view life it will prohibit you from actually taking part in the beautiful gift of marriage and having/raising children. However, it can be deeply emotionally painful and consuming. Know that the outcome of walking in freedom and in the light with the Lord brings deeper intimacy with him and those around you. The Lord would not take you through something that he knew wouldn't bring greater blessings to you and those around you.

To live a life of legacy that leads to the future, we must deal with the past to build stronger families, marriages, communities, etc. Unlearning the brokenness and dysfunction that we saw growing up will allow us to be transformed and have our minds renewed. We must see how marriage and relationships are to be done in God's way.

Ways that Childhood Shapes Your View of Marriage

1. Love and Affection

   
   

   If you were raised in a home where you were abused whether emotionally or physically this can shape the way you view love. Those who have been abused often struggle with feelings of insecurity, fear of intimacy (emotionally and/or physically), distorted perceptions, trusting and connecting with others. Which can make it challenging to be one with someone in body, mind, and spirit, in the context of marriage.

   
   

2. Conflict and Communication Styles

   
   

   If arguments in your home were explosive, silent, or avoided altogether, you may struggle with expressing your feelings in your marriage. Which cultivates your fear of conflict and desire to avoid it at cost. Leading to mirroring the same unhealthy patterns you saw modeled to you. Poor communication and the unwillingness to resolve conflict can create misunderstanding, resentment towards one another, disconnection, and a strain on your relationship.

   
   

3. Trust and Security

   
   

   If you saw infidelity, broken promises, or instability in your parents' relationship(s), you might struggle with trust in your marriage. This can lead you to sabotaging your relationship by expecting your spouse to betray you even if they have shown you that they are faithful and committed to the covenant you made together before God.

   
   

4. Gender Roles and Expectations

   
   

   If you were raised in a single-parent household you may not know what is the role of a mother/wife or a husband/father. Or even if you were raised in a home with both of your parents there but they did not take their God-given role seriously. This can give you a skewed vision of the roles and expectations of the mother and father within the family/home and what God expects of them.

   
   

Breaking The Cycle: Unlearning What You Saw

1. Becoming Self-Aware

   
   

   How can you unlearn what you saw, if you do not know exactly what needs to be unlearned and discarded? Ask Yourself:

   - What did I learn about love, conflict, and commitment growing up?

   - Which beliefs do I want to keep and which do I need to discard?

2. Challenge Negative Beliefs

   
   

   If you are like me and you adopted the belief "that love is a broken experiment" or "marriage is always hard," then I think it is time to take those lies and throw them out the window. Friends, I encourage you to look for examples of healthy marriages and ask the Lord to help you learn from those healthy biblical imperfect models. Your past does not have to dictate the future.

3. Seek Biblical Models of Marriage

   
   

   As mentioned before, surround yourself with married couples both young and old who embody the kind of relationship you desire. Read books, listen to podcasts, but most importantly seek community!

4. Seek Help

   
   

   You can seek pastoral care or a mentor who will help you to work through deep-seated fears or unhealthy patterns that resurface. What a privilege it is to live in the light with the Lord and those he places in our lives. The Lord desires that you walk free from the childhood wounds that are keeping you in bondage. Having community and friends to talk to has helped me a lot in this journey of healing and walking in victory!

5. Choose to be intentional in Your Marriage

   
   

   My dear friend, just because you grew up seeing unhealthy patterns does not mean that you have to repeat the cycle of dysfunction and brokenness. Choose to take this journey with the Lord and your dearly loved husband or wife. Build a marriage off of the word of God, not wounds.

My Final Thoughts

We serve a God who takes what is broken and makes it into a masterpiece. You are not broken beyond repair, the Lord is with you and he is for you. Do not let the enemy get a foothold in your life by whispering to you the cycle of lies you have been believing for far too long! It will take work, but trust in the Lord and walk with Him. Unlearning what you saw and experienced is a journey, but it can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling, God-honoring marriage.

Until next time, live with legacy leading to the future!